Pain and Joy

My little Niko, my Blueberry, my heart..

You mean the world to me now.  Every time I struggle, I look to you and I find the strength to get through it.

The heart, darling, is so miraculous.  Even when we hurt, we love.

Niko, for you, I carry on.  Knowing that, when you arrive, you will depend on me as much as you do now and more.  Everyone else will come and go, but you, my love, will never have to wonder.  If you look over your shoulder, I will always be there for you.  Never far enough away to not be able to hold you and remind you how much you are loved. 

In me, I hope you will always be able to find refuge.  To be able to confide in me any secret and know that I will never turn you away.

Niko, I hope for you all the wonderful things this world can offer: love, friendship, passion, and yes, even a small measure of pain.  Through all of this, I will be there.  I will stand behind you as you make decisions for yourself.  I will cry tears of joy at your birth, naming, first steps, first word, first day of school, first dance, love, graduation, marriage..  All of these things are joyous and painful to think on.

Every parent has hopes and dreams for their children.  We want to protect them from pain.  Niko, I will try my hardest to guard you from some pain, but you must make your own choices.  This, I have seen, is harder than anything else.  Especially to a mother.  Niko, through falling, you learn how to pick yourself back up.  In the sadness, you will find the joy that much better.

You will have uncertainty in your life.  We all do.  We wonder about God and faith, love, friends, dreams..  But, my darling, you will never have to wonder about me.  I will always love you.  No matter what you decide, I will love you.  Heavenly Father will love you.  He and I will never turn our backs on you.  You can turn your back on us, but never us on you.  In that, every mother finds her inner goddess.  We can no more turn our back on our children than our Heavenly Father can on us.

I love you, Julian Nikolai Todd Boone.  You are my heart and my love.  For now and for ever, I will be here.

I Finally Caught It!

I finally caught my little Niko kicking. Only one kick at the very beginning, but that is better than I have been able to. :P

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